Sunday, March 7, 2010

What is Codependency?

What is Codependency?

A dysfunctional relationship with yourself.

An absence of self-defense.

A result of not living your passions.

Focusing on others and their happiness and hoping that they will focus on you and your happiness.


An addiction to focusing on others which in turn distracts you from yourself.

Making others responsible for your peace of mind which depends on if they are drinking or using or not, or for that matter, cheating on you or not, blowing money without your knowledge or not. And all the other things that users, losers and abusers do to codependents.

Being hyper-sensative to others inconsiderate and selfish behavior.

Not taking care of yourself.

Ask a codependent person how they are doing and they usually answer with, "Well, he did such and such", or "She's driving me crazy, you won't believe what she did this time." In other words they don't say "I" as in "I'm scared or feeling blue" or "I'm working my recovery program and am dealing with painful emotions, but all in all things are going ok."

Ask a codpendent person, "Why do you stay with him/her"? And they are likely to answer, "Well, he really needs me". "I don't think he can make it without me". "He has no where else to go". "She dependes on me and deep down really loves me".

Again, not one thing about themselves or how they feel or what they really want.

At times you have to ask a codependent person two or three times, "What do you want?" to get to the real answer. But once they stop and think it over they almost always know the right answer for themselves, it's like they are hiding it, or feel they have to fix the other person first.

Questions that codependents can practice asking themselves on a daily basis. "How do I feel?" "What do I need?" "What do I want?" "What would make me happy?" "Is this good for me?"

Statements that codependents can practice telling themselves on a daily basis. "I'm ok." "I'm enough." "I'm good enough." "I love and accept myself exactly the way I am."

At one time or another, everyone exhibits some codependent behaviors – behaviors that you do because you think you are responsible for someone else out of guilt, obligation or fear, or you feel someone else is to blame or responsible for you, or a certain feeling or a situation in your life.

No one exhibits all of them all the time, however some people are more codependent with certain people but not all people, or exhibit more or less of these behaviors over time.

Codependency is a survival plan as a result of childhood abuse or neglect. It is a set of rules or decisions that children develope to make life more bearable and livable. Or to emotionally survive the chaos and confusion and to accept the denial that there was nothing wrong. Children learn unhealthy behaviors in order to deal with their caretaker's drama and while trying to survive. They often grow up feeling responsible to make others happy and try desperately to get the love they need.

Neglect is the most harmful thing to happen to a child. Infants can die without affection even if they are fed and otherwise taken care of.

Although they may have helped you survive childhood, these behaviors and survival strategies do not work in adulthood to get adult needs met. Adults have more control of the environment and their actions. These old, outdated actions and beliefs need to be 'upgraded' or completely changed. Otherwise the adult is living their life based on a 5 or an 8 year-old's decisions.

Creating pain, breakdown and eventaually hitting bottom and other addictions along the way, is what it usually takes for a codpenednet person to try another way and seek some sort of help.

How do we get here? We realize it in a rude awakening. A wake up call that being codependent just doesn't work anymore. Your "pain killers" aren't working anymore, ie. helping others, overeating, avoiding life, neglecting self, shutting down, etc.

When the choices seem to run out, one may be open to try recovery and tapping to change and grow as a person and learning to change your relationships and your lifestyle in the process.

It's an exciting time of renewal and renewed hope and transformation where your life can begin again.

Tapping significantly decreases the emotional impact of the hard work of dealing with your emotional issues. It takes the charge out and can save you years of therapy.

Recovery growth and change works. Because recovery focuses on the solution to the problem (you, your choices and behaviors) and takes the focus off the other person and changes it into concern and care for yourself - what you have needed all along.

Growth is a natural maturing process that you would do anyway if it were not for the blocks in your way and the ghosts in your mental closet holding you back.

Growing up involves leaving home, emotionally and physically, harnessing the lessons you have learned from your mistakes and changing your actions to show concern for yourself. Reflecting on these new lessons and changing behaviors from codependency to wellness can be the most important gift you can give to yourself.

Tapping in recovery makes this alot easier, faster and longer lasting.

Increasing wellness over time with daily recovery decreases the pain when you use Tapping to help soothe the feelings that come up in recovery. Here are some traits, symptoms or characteristics of depression and codependent feelings that are behind many codependent behaviors. They are a collection of causes, thoughts, feelings and actions all having to do with codependency. My suggestion to you is to choose those that you can relate to and do a full Tapping Round on each one and then do some Short-Cut Rounds of Tapping on anything else that comes to mind while you are clearning these codependency energies that have been stuck for a long time.

Happy Tapping! Never heard of EFT/Tapping? See my report "How to Tap" with Diagrams and Directions.

EVEN THOUGH, (fill in the symptoms that you relate to below), I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.


I never seem to enjoy things as much as I used to
I feel I’m getting nowhere no matter what I do
I don’t have strong interest in things I’m doing
My life seems to be aimless
I find it difficult to believe in anything
What I do is pretty useless
I don’t know what to do with myself
I feel all alone in the world
I don’t feel very productive
I prefer to be by myself and isolate
I find it hard to make decisions without someone’s approval
I do my best work when I feel I’ll be appreciated
I’d rather follow than lead
Pleasing others is very important to me
Disapproval by someone close to me is painful for me
The idea of losing a relationship terrifies me
I’m quick to agree with other’s opinions
I’d be lost if I didn’t have someone special
It’s hard for me to ask someone for a favor
I’m easily discouraged when I don’t get what I need from others
I’m never happier than when others tell me I did a good job
It’s hard to make up my mind until I know what other people think
In social situations I’m very self conscious
I have trouble making decisions
I tend to expect too much from myself
I'm very hard on myself
I feel I never get all that I need from other people
I’m often afraid I won’t do the right thing and invite disapproval
What people think of me really affects me
I desperately need love and support
I’d be helpless if I were deserted
I fear I’ll lose the love and support of others if I make a mistake


After Tapping the above statments that fit for you, ask yourself what you would rather have instead and create some new choices to install by Tapping them into your energy system.

Write down, "I now choose to do, be, have, feel ___________". One by one Tap in each new positive choice to fill the void left after tapping away the negative.

Take a nice deep breath and drinks lots of water, take a walk, watch your posture and keep your energy moving.

To Your Recovery!
JP Bailey, MA
Emotional Freedom Coach


  1. I have read, at this time, various parts herein and find them well written and interesting. When time allows, I definitely plan on reading more.

  2. This is the most accurate description of how I feel that I have found. I recently have discovered EFT and have been peeling back the layers trying to understand what is wrong with me. Slowly I am beginning to appreciate that it is not so much about 'what is wrong with me' but rather why some situations are such a dysfunctional fit with who I am. I want to learn how I came to be like this as well as how to improve the health of some of the situations I find myself in. Thanks for this blog please post more of your wisdom. Happy Tapping!

  3. I'm not sure about this tapping stuff, but my issues are so painful so hopeless at times I tried it, I tried everything else. And I do feel better. I'm going to keep up your suggestions. Please keep writing. I feel better. I can't explain it, but some of the shame and depression has lifted. I think I saw Tapping on a show somewhere, where can I find out more? Thank you.

  4. Thank you for explaining the topic so beautifully. It is like reading about myself. So this is what it is all about. For years I kept wondering why I was so sensitive and so worried about upsetting others !! God bless you so much for this wonderful site. You have no idea how much you have helped someone halfway across the world. I will definitely tap on the phrases for about 21 days and notice the results. Thanks :)