Recovery Tapping is a path. Emotional Freedom Techniques is a tool. Use EFT to heal from emotional abuse and codependency. Great for Adult Children of Dysfunction - including parents with Personality Disorders. Takes the 'sting' out of emotional issues. Dissolves triggers and removes blocks that keep you stuck. Clears the issues that keep showing up in your relationships. When nothing else works, try Tapping. Try it on Everything!
You tell it what you want - and reward it for getting it right.
You tell it what you don't like - and put it in time out if it won't stop.
You love it and you take control of it and a bond of love and respect grows.
Some people never once question or talk back to their inner critic. But you can have a lot of productive conversations with it and change the way you interact with it.
You don't have to listen and believe it and let it make you hide or isolate in bad thinking.
You don't have to let it run around tearing the house up and peeing on everything.
You can discipline it.
You can push back.
You can question it.
You can ask it why it's saying what it's saying.
You can ask it what it wants.
You can ask it how it's trying to help you.
You can get a lot of insightful answers.
You can do a lot of change work with the answers, make new decisions, tell it what you want.
You can ask it to help you get your goals done without all the bad feelings.
You can transform your inner critic into your inner coach by recalling all the times you felt good, proud, strong, brave, love, faith, grateful and positive states of mind like that, and then make some new decisions.
This is all part of the idea that healing from complex trauma requires one to empower themselves with more empowerment. Getting tasks accomplished is empowering. Losing yourself in art or music is empowering. You got to find your empowering activities and then do them often.
You will get stronger. You will heal. You will be more self-directed.
You'll soon have a loyal, loving, trained full grown dog after you raise a puppy that will give you job and company for years to come.
Same with your inner critic. You put the time in the first year and it pays off where you now have a companion to take with you wherever you go. You can run things by it. It loves it when you ask it what it thinks about people or choices or situations. You make decisions and then go within to see how you really feel about them.
Your inner critic stars to become your coach. To make it easier, read powerful, positive affirmations to yourself daily and after awhile, you'll hear those words ring in your head where once your inner critic once was.
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
What It’s Like to Be a Complex Trauma Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse
By Shahida Arabi, M.A. for PychCentral.com
“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships.
She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she re-encounters the trauma.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
Complex trauma is compounded trauma and can result in symptoms of Complex PTSD. Survivors of complex trauma endure trauma not only in childhood, but often in adulthood as well. Imagine, if you will, multiple chains of traumas, all of which are connected in some way to each other. The most recent traumas build on earlier ones, reinforcing ancient wounds, maladaptive belief systems and fear-based physiological responses. These childhood wounds create the foundation of deep-seated toxic shame and self-sabotage for the survivor; each “tiny terror” or larger trauma in adulthood builds upon it, brick by brick, creating an ingrained framework for self-destruction. Even when one wound is excavated, addressed and healed, another trauma that wound was connected to will inevitably unravel in the process.
The complex trauma survivor’s life history is layered with chronic trauma as a result of ongoing stressors such as long-term domestic violence, childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse – situations where the individual is held “captive” whether emotionally or physically, feels under the complete control of a perpetrator or multiple perpetrators and a perceived inability to escape the threatening situation.
Yet complex trauma isn’t just caused by physical abuse; traumas such as severe verbal and emotional abuse in childhood has the potential to wreak havoc on one’s sense of self and navigation in the world, even going so far as to rewiring the brain (Van der Kolk, 2015). According to trauma therapistPete Walker, “The genesis of complex PTSD is most often associated with extended periods of ongoing physical and/or sexual abuse in childhood. My observations, however, convince me that ongoing extremes of verbal and/or emotional abuse also cause it.”
Complex Trauma and Complex PTSD
The National Center for PTSDnotes that those who suffer from Complex Trauma can experience disruptions in the following areas in addition to the regular symptoms of PTSD.
Emotional Regulation. Complex trauma survivors can struggle with feelings of depression, suicidal ideation as well as extreme rage.
Consciousness. Those who have endured complex trauma may relive traumatic events, feel disassociated from the trauma, their bodies, the world and/or have problems with accessing their memories of the trauma. This is not surprising, considering that trauma interferes with parts of the brain that deal with learning, decision-making and memory. What’s interesting is that complex trauma survivors can endure not only visual flashbacks of the trauma but also “emotional flashbacks” that cause them to regress back to the emotional states of hopelessness where they first encountered the original wounds (Walker, 2013).
Self-Perception. Survivors carry a sense of toxic shame, helplessness and a feeling of “separateness” from others, of being different and defective due to the trauma. They also bear the burden of guilt and negative self-talk that does not belong to them; Pete Walker (2013) calls this the “inner critic,” an ongoing inner dialogue of self-blame, self-hatred and a need for perfectionism that evolved from being punished and conditioned to believe that their needs did not matter. As he writes, “In extremely rejecting families, the child eventually comes to believe that even her normal needs, preferences, feelings and boundaries are dangerous imperfections – justifiable reasons for punishment and/or abandonment.” Children who experience abuse in early childhood have a difficult time distinguishing between the abuser’s actions and words and reality. A child who is told that the abuse is their fault repeatedly will come to believe in and internalize their lack of worth without question.
Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Understandably, complex trauma survivors have an ambivalent relationship to their perpetrators. The ‘trauma bond,’ a bond created by intense emotional experiences and a threat to the victim’s life (whether a physical or psychological threat) has been forged so that that victim could survive the circumstances of the abuse. As a result, they might protect their abusers due to being trauma bonded to them, minimize or rationalize the abuse, or they may become preoccupied with their abusers to the extent of seeking revenge. They may also assign the abuser complete power and control over their lives.
Relations with Others. Complex trauma survivors can become socially withdrawn and self-isolate due to the abuse. Since they never develop a sense of safety, they distrust others while simultaneously searching for a “rescuer” who can finally give them the unconditional positive regard they were robbed of in childhood.
One’s System of Meanings. It is disturbingly easy to lose hope as a complex trauma survivor. When you’ve been re-violated time and time again, it is difficult not to lose faith and develop a sense of hopelessness that can interfere with a sense of meaning or belief in a bigger picture. Life may feel meaningless to a survivor who has never been shown proper care, affection or authentic connection.
Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma
Survivors of narcissistic abuse in childhood, who are later retraumatized by narcissistic or sociopathic predators in adulthood, can also show symptoms of complex trauma.
Imagine the daughter of a narcissistic father as an example. She grows up chronically violated and abused at home, perhaps bullied by her peers as well. Her burgeoning low self-esteem, disruptions in identity and problems with emotional regulation causes her to live a life filled with terror. This is a terror that is stored in the body and literally shapes her brain. It is also what makes her brain extra vulnerable and susceptible to the effects of trauma in adulthood. According to Dr. Van der Kolk:
“The human brain is a social organ that is shaped by experience, and that is shaped in order to respond to the experience that you’re having. So particularly earlier in life, if you’re in a constant state of terror; your brain is shaped to be on alert for danger, and to try to make those terrible feelings go away. The brain gets very confused. And that leads to problems with excessive anger, excessive shutting down, and doing things like taking drugs to make yourself feel better. These things are almost always the result of having a brain that is set to feel in danger and fear. As you grow up an get a more stable brain, these early traumatic events can still cause changes that make you hyper-alert to danger, and hypo-alert to the pleasures of everyday life… If you’re an adult and life’s been good to you, and then something bad happens, that sort of injures a little piece of the whole structure. But toxic stress in childhood from abandonment or chronic violence has pervasive effects on the capacity to pay attention, to learn, to see where other people are coming from, and it really creates havoc with the whole social environment.
And it leads to criminality, and drug addiction, and chronic illness, and people going to prison, and repetition of the trauma on the next generation.”
-Dr. Van der Kolk, Childhood Trauma Leads to Brains Wired for Fear
Being verbally, emotionally and sometimes even physically beaten down, the child of a narcissistic parent learns that there is no safe place for her in the world. The symptoms of trauma emerge: disassociation to survive and escape her day-to-day existence, addictions that cause her to self-sabotage, maybe even self-harm to cope with the pain of being unloved, neglected and mistreated.
Her pervasive sense of worthlessness and toxic shame, as well as subconscious programming, then causes her to become more easily attached to emotional predators in adulthood.
In her repeated search for a rescuer, she instead finds those who chronically diminish her just like her earliest abusers. Of course, her resilience, adept skill set in adapting to chaotic environments and ability to “bounce back” was also birthed in early childhood. This is also seen as an “asset” to toxic partners because it means she will be more likely to stay within the abuse cycle in order to attempt to make things “work.”
She then suffers not just from early childhood trauma, but from multiple re-victimizations in adulthood until, with the right support, she addresses her core wounds and begins to break the cycle step by step. Before she can break the cycle, she must first give herself the space and time to recover. A break from establishing new relationships is often essential during this time; No Contact (or Low Contact from her abusers in more complicated situations such as co-parenting) is also vital to the healing journey, to prevent compounding any existing traumas.
The Journey to Healing as a Complex Trauma Survivor
As the complex trauma survivor gives herself time to disrupt dysfunctional patterns, she begins to develop a healthier sense of boundaries, a more grounded sense of self, and severs ties with toxic people. She receives counseling to address her triggers, symptoms of complex trauma and begins processing some of the original traumas. She grieves for the childhood she never had; she grieves the traumatic losses that reenacted her childhood wounds. She starts to recognize that the abuse was not her fault. She takes care of the inner child that needed nurturing all along. She begins to ‘reprogram’ the beliefs that underlie her sense of unworthiness. Once she understands why her life has been one emotional roller coaster after the other, the path to recovery becomes that much more clear.
This is just one example out of many of what being a complex trauma survivor can look like, but it is a powerful one that illustrates just how damaging early childhood abuse and complex trauma can be on the mind, body and psyche. Recovery from complex trauma is intense, challenging and frightening – but it is also liberating and empowering.
Complex trauma survivors carry with them a lifetime’s worth of bullying regardless of how old they may be. Survivors of chronic narcissistic abuse especially can face the challenge of attempting to address wounds that may be primarily psychological rather than physical, but just as damaging.
The life experiences of complex trauma survivors have given them a great deal of resilience as well as opportunities to obtain more coping mechanisms than most. Yet their struggles are undeniable, pervasive and require intervention by professional support. A network consisting of a trauma-informed professional who understands complex trauma, a survivor community to supplement the professional support and diverse healing modalities that target both the mind and the body can be absolute life-savers for the survivor of complex trauma.
For a survivor who feels his or her voice was continually silenced and discounted, there is potential for immense healing and growth when one finally speaks and is validated.
References
Herman, Judith Lewis. Trauma and Recovery: the Aftermath of Abuse – from Domestic Violence to Political Terror. Basic Books, 1997.
National Center for PTSD. Complex PTSD. 1 Jan. 2007, www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/ptsd-overview/complex-ptsd.asp. Accessed 1 Oct. 2017.
Staggs, Sara. Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. 17 July 2016, psychcentral.com/lib/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/. Accessed 1 Oct. 2017.
Stines, Sharie. What Is Trauma Bonding? 23 Oct. 2015, pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/. Accessed 2 Oct. 2017.
Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York, Penguin Books, 2015.
Van der Kolk, Bessel. Childhood Trauma Leads to Brains Wired for Fear. 3 Feb. 2015, sideeffectspublicmedia.org/post/childhood-trauma-leads-brains-wired-fear. Accessed 1 Oct. 2017
Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving. Lafayette, CA, Azure Coyote, 2013.
Walker, Pete. Frequently Asked Questions About Complex PTSD. Dec. 2013, pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html. Accessed 1 Oct. 2017.
Walker, Pete. Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD. Dec. 2013, www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm. Accessed 2 Oct. 2017.
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.Thank you!JP Bailey, M.A.Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.comFB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileymaTwitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTappingKindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.Thank you!JP Bailey, M.A.Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.comFB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileymaTwitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTappingKindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.Thank you!JP Bailey, M.A.Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.comFB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileymaTwitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTappingKindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
The 9 Symptoms of Depression and the Body-Mind-Emotions Connection that heals them:
First lets take a look at a real depression assessment tool that clinicians use to diagnose major and minor depressive disorders:
The 9 Symptoms of Depression
Notice anything about these particular symptoms?
Like how each of the 9 symptoms fit into the categories of body, mind and emotions.
Notice how some of these symptoms don't even seem to be related or go together. But clinical depression involves all three areas because the body/mind/emotions are all exhausted, depleated and not getting stimulated but rather are going in a downhill spiral into worse and worse depression. (Frequency, duration, intensity all increase).
Let's take a look at the body-mind-emotions connection.
Body
1. Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or sleeping too much.
2. Feeling tired and having little energy
3. Poor appetite or over-eating
4. Moving or talking so slow others have noticed; or being restless and fidgety that you are moving around a lot more than usual
Mind
5. Trouble concentrating on things, reading, watching TV
6. Thinking you'd be better off dead or that you want to hurt yourself in some way.
(Thinking you're a failure or you've let people down - and other negative self-talk)
Emotions
7. Loss of interest or pleasure(Loss of emotion - especially pleasure.
(Sometimes not feeling anything at all "blah".)
8. Feeling down, depressed or hopeless
9. Feeling bad about yourself, or that you are a failure or let yourself or your family down
Four of the 9 symptoms are BODY symptoms....
Two of the symptoms are not depressed feelings, but depressed THINKING...
The main 3 we usually think of as depressed are the EMOTIONAL symptoms, and most people don't know there are 6 other symptoms to look at.
It made sense to me that if the symptoms were Body-Mind-Emotions, ....that the Mental Health and Wellness self-help skills that could help them were also, Body-Mind-Emotional.
Wellness has at least 8 dimensions.... and I also took a look at the 9 basic human needs.
Put all that together in an easy daily routine so the accumulative effect would reverse the course of the downward spiral of depression, and stimulate the upward spiral of recovery. One nano-baby step at a time. But to take steps, one needs a path, which is what recovery is. Taking action toward wellness goals is what the daily routine is all about.
I call it GRAPES, to make it easy to remember. I've been using it for years. I've written other blog posts about it
Last but not least, neuro-science has finally caught up with what alternative healing practitioners knew all alone: we need a holistic approach (body/mind/emotions) to heal. That's why yoga helps, that's why meditation helps. That's why doing self-nurturing things helps. That's why social support helps. That's why engaging in meaningful-for-you activities help.
All combines they work to sooth the exhausted body-mind-emotions, and, they strengthen the brain's neuro-pathways for wellness habits.
EFT Tapping on each of the SYMPTOMS is a great way to practice Symptom Management and it also speeds up recovery.
Here are Tapping Set Up Statements to TAP ON for Depression:
Body
1. Even thought I have Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or sleeping too much, I love and accept myself.
2. Even thought I'm Feeling tired and have little energy, I love and accept myself.
3. Even though I have a Poor appetite or I'm over-eating, I love and accept myself.
4. Even thought I'm Moving or talking so slow others have noticed; or I'm acting restless and fidgety and am moving around a lot more than usual, I love and accept myself.
Mind
5. Even though I have Trouble concentrating on things, like reading, or watching TV, I love and accept myself.
6. Even though I sometimes Think I'd be better off dead or want to hurt myself in some way, I love and accept myself.
(Even though I Think I'm a failure or I've let myself, other people or my family down, I love and accept myself.)
Emotions
7. Even though I've Lost interest or pleasure in things I used to enjoy doing, I love and accept myself.
(Even though I Sometimes feel nothing at all or like "blah", I love and accept myself.)
8. Even though I'm Feeling down, depressed or hopeless, I love and accept myself.
9. Even though I Feel bad about myself, or that I'm a failure or that I've let myself or my family down, I love and accept myself.
TIPS:
Measure each one first on a scale of 1-10 how bad it is for you.
TAP on one at a time until the number goes down.
Rinse and Repeat as needed.
Sometimes it takes a few rounds over time to really get some movement and change after being stuck in depression for a while - so DON'T GIVE UP. Keep Tapping like saying your prayers or brushing your teeth.
Sometimes it takes bringing the numbers down and then "catching your depression in the act" later and Tapping on that at that time, makes all the difference.
Anytime you notice a PATTERN in your thinking or feeling or reacting - TAP on that pattern, thought or reaction.
Now you're healing and moving forward, now you're healing depression and creating wellness at the same time by doing your daily routines
Now you're flushing out stuck energy and creating new neural (and energetic) pathways in the body-mind to move forward into your natural state of being, rather than being held back and stuck.
There's someone out there would will appreciate you for Sharing This.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Get Relief from Emotional Pain and Relationship Issues!
Unloved
Daughters and the Culture of Shame -Taking a close look at the elephant hidden
in plain sight, an article by Peg Streep in Psychology
Today Posted Jun 23, 2017.
In the court of public opinion, when the mother-daughter
relationship is damaged beyond repair, it’s always the daughter who’s on trial.
The cultural myths about motherhood—that all women are nurturing, that
mothering is instinctual not learned, and that all mothers love their children
unconditionally—both shape and inform people’s responses to the daughter who
either cuts her mother out of her life entirely or maintains so little contact
that her position is clear to both intimates and strangers alike. The culture
sides with the parent—a view bolstered by the authority of a Biblical
commandment—regardless of the circumstances.
Most tellingly, when a parent cuts a child off, there’s a
sympathetic murmur, an acknowledgement that parenting is hard and that adult
children can be difficult. When a parent initiates estrangement, she’s assumed
to have pursued every possible solution and, more important, to have tried her
hardest and done her best. The culture raises a glass to the parent who tried
but failed and lends a supportive shoulder.
In contrast, the unloved daughter never gets the benefit of
the doubt. Instead, the culture goes on the attack and labels her as
ungrateful, impetuous, narcissistic, and more. She is reminded again and again
that she was fed, clothed, and had a roof over head as if having her emotional
needs met in childhood were a throw-away extra and that if love and support
weren’t extended to her, she has no one but herself to blame. Or that she’s
exaggerating or being dramatic since, on the surface, it seems that she turned
out just fine. The culture finishes up the job of marginalizing and criticizing
her that her mother and perhaps other family members began, and tries to shame
her in the process.
As a daughter who cut her mother out of her life (and writes
about unloving mothers), I have personally experienced all of these responses.
They are the rule, not the exception.
Cultural shaming: The elephant in the room
Cultural disapproval often impedes a daughter’s road to both
recovery and reclaiming her life by creating another kind of inner conflict, as
one daughter wrote:
“How do I explain
exactly how toxic my mother’s behavior is without sounding whiny and
ungrateful? Every time I broach the subject, even with close friends, I see
nothing but disapproval. But is filial duty supposed to be painful? Am I
supposed to see her when she’s actively out to get me?”
Stories of unloved daughters are the ones no one wants to
hear.
Unloved daughters already feel as though they don’t belong
because of how they were treated in their family of origin; adding another,
more public layer of not belonging by severing or limiting their relationship
to their mother is, for many, terrifically daunting. But sometimes it is only
way to heal.
Shame and the code of silence
Unloved daughters rarely tell anyone about what goes on in
the household during childhood, in part because they assume that what goes on
there goes on everywhere. Normalizing how she is treated—even if she actively
hurts from being ignore, marginalized, put down, or harshly criticized, or is
frightened—is one reason. As she gets older, comes into contact with other
households, and begins to see that perhaps what goes on at her house is
different, silence may be compelled by the shame and worry that, in fact, she’s
to blame for how she’s treated. Since unloving mothers often justify their
hypercriticality and verbal abuse by shifting the blame onto their
children—saying things like “I wouldn’t have to punish you if you weren’t so
clumsy or careless,” “You ask nothing but stupid questions and I have better
things to do than to deal with stupid people,” “If you were a better child, I
wouldn’t need to yell”—feeling ashamed often becomes the daughter’s default
response. That becomes another potent reason to maintain her silence since the
last thing she wants to do is broadcast her supposed deficiencies to the world
at large.
In adolescence and young adulthood, the need to fit in and
be like everyone else, along with continued shame and worry, usually prevent
the daughter from getting help and support from her peer group by confiding the
truth. While keeping the secret safe, it has the unwanted effect of isolating
her even further. After my book Mean Mothers was published, I heard from my
roommate from my sophomore year in college; it had been 40 years since we’d
spoken. Even though we’d shared a room the size of a shoebox for an entire
year, neither of us even hinted at the way our respective mothers had
mistreated us. She wistfully commented on how we might have been able to help
each other by breaking the silence; I could not have agreed with her more. But
how we handled it all those years ago is typical, as I have learned from
hundreds and hundreds of interviews.
Shame as a weapon in an unloving mother’s arsenal
Studies show that both abusive behaviors and harsh parenting
of children make individuals more prone to feeling shame throughout their
lifetimes; some of this doubtless has to do with the fact that sometimes
maternal behavior includes actions that are either deliberately meant to shame
the child into behaving differently or better, or are the result of the
parent’s own inability to manage her own emotions. But being “shame-prone,” as
the researchers put it, explains another aspect of how shame plays a role both
in a daughter’s wounding and her attempts at recovery.
In their brilliant book, Parenting from the Inside Out,
Daniel Siegel M.D. and Mary Hartzell M.Ed. discuss what they call a toxic
rupture in the parent-child relationship and how it relates to parental shame
as well as inducing shame in the child. (Yes, we are pivoting here to show a
possible pattern.) They define a toxic rupture as one which actively harms a
child’s sense of self, often a result of a parent losing control of her
emotions and threatening, screaming, or calling a child names. (Yes, that’s
emotional and verbal abuse.) The child’s feeling of shame produces physical
effects such as a stomach ache, a tightness or feeling of a lump in the chest or
throat, or an impulse to avoid eye contact. The child internalizes the shame
and begins thinking of herself as “bad” or “worthless.” Siegel and Hartzell
note that it’s often the parent’s own shame—a result of her own treatment in
childhood—that produces the unconscious hijacking of her emotions and
facilitates her losing sight of her child in these moments. Instead, she may
only be focused on her own powerlessness and incompetence. It’s a horrible
cycle which can only be stopped by the parent’s conscious awareness and
concerted efforts at repairing the rupture. That doesn’t always happen, alas,
as the experiences of unloved daughters attest.
.
Understanding shame
Psychologists distinguish between shame and guilt, although
both are considered “self-conscious emotions.” Infants are born feeling
neither; it’s thought that children begin to experience both in the toddler
years. Of the two, shame is more toxic and has a different kind of staying
power; while guilt emanates from a specific behavior, shame involves the core
self. Interestingly, according to research studies, while guilt can facilitate
empathy, shame disrupts the ability to empathize. Why might that be? June Price
Tangney and her colleagues opine:
“Shame’s
inherently egocentric focus on the ‘bad self’ (as opposed to the bad behavior)
derails the empathic process. Individuals in the throes of shame turn tightly
inward, and are thus less able to focus cognitive and emotional resources on
the harmed other.”
While the impulse to deny or hide it is extremely strong,
shame nonetheless bubbles to the surface unconsciously in other forms. Research
shows that shame-prone individuals experience intense anger, express that anger
in volatile and destructive ways, and do what they can to externalize the
blame. Needless to say, their ability to hold on to relationships is profoundly
affected. The lengths to which people will go to avoid feeling shame testifies
to the intensity of the pain.
Shame and shaming play significant roles in the lives of
many unloved daughters, though they are rarely addressed. Bringing shame and
shaming into the light and seeing their provenance with conscious awareness are
important steps on the road to recovery.
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.Thank you!JP Bailey, M.A.Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.comFB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileymaTwitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTappingKindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Recall and Feel Resource State of Mind for Recovery and Programming Your Unconscious
1. Watch the video
2. Read each word (resource state) that comes up and feel it for a few seconds. Call it up. Recall the last time you felt it. Just imagine feeling it now.
3. When you feel all your inner Resources like this, you create a very powerful state of mind for yourself. This is where you make better decisions, get things done with more confidence, or just feel better.
4. Use as needed or anytime you feel drained or upset and can't process it right away. Call up your Resource States to help you feel hopeful, capable and resourceful.
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.Thank you!JP Bailey, M.A.Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.comFB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileymaTwitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTappingKindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.Thank you!JP Bailey, M.A.Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.comFB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileymaTwitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTappingKindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.Thank you!JP Bailey, M.A.Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.comFB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileymaTwitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTappingKindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
My Inner Peace Process Heals These "25 Things Survivors of Childhood Abuse Do As Adults"
It has been said that “no one escapes childhood unscathed.” But sayings like these can have an especially significant meaning for a person who has experienced emotional abuse as a child.
The effects of emotional abuse can be both debilitating and far-reaching, often extending out of childhood and into adolescence and adulthood.
For many, experiencing emotional abuse at a young age can affect their self-worth and relationships. For some, emotional abuse may even have contributed to a current struggle with mental illness.
One group wanted to know what kinds of effects childhood emotional abuse can have on adulthood, so the group asked their mental health community to share one thing they do now that stemmed from the emotional abuse they experienced in their upbringing.
No matter what your experience of childhood abuse was, it is important to remember hope is never lost and there is help out there.
Here’s what one community had to say:
1. “[I] can’t stand conflict, loud sudden noises, shouting and screaming or aggression in any form. [It] triggers my fight or flight, instantly.”
2. “I can’t accept compliments. When someone [compliments] me, my response would just just be ‘umm yeah’ or I’ll just smile awkwardly. I just figured out why… During my childhood, people just [noticed] my mistakes and not my achievements. So now it is hard for me to accept compliments.”
3. “I’m an overachiever. At everything and anything. I still feel the need to prove I’m good enough. I obsess about doing a job/task to perfection. And then I obsess about how I could do it better. [I worry] about others’ opinions way too much.”
4. “I always feel like I am doing everything wrong… It’s very hard to convince me I am good at something.”
5. “I become apologetic over everything. If someone doesn’t text back, I’ll believe they’re upset with me, and I’ll apologize. If I ask for something and annoy them, I’ll apologize. Everything becomes a situation where I feel like I’m to blame.”5
6. “I’m basically a hermit. My home is my fortress. I have BPD, PTSD and anxiety. It’s so hard to work or apply myself in school or just life when every time I want to apply myself, I can’t help but run to the nearest exit to catch my breath. I constantly fear everyone around me.”
7. “I have problems trusting people. I keep people at [an] arm’s length. I never really let them into my life. I don’t allow them to know of my health problems and my mental illnesses. If I do let them in, it is rare and they [will] have known me for years. It takes a long time [for me] to build trust.”
8. “Indecisiveness. [It feels like] every choice I make is wrong even if I choose the option I’m told to take…I’m afraid to [be a] parent because I don’t want to ‘mess up’ my kid.”
9. “I avoid saying anything that others might not agree with, which means I’m never being myself. I wear a mask of complete neutrality in any situation, because I’m so scared of anyone feeling negative towards me.”
10. “I’m very defensive which can come across cold or nasty. I also portray quite a lot of negativity which seems to be my barrier so I don’t get hurt.”
11. “I have trouble accepting any kind of love because growing up, it was always given with strings attached or used a tool for manipulation. I don’t trust that others have the capacity to love me unconditionally, so I hide away parts of myself, never allowing myself to experience the vulnerability that comes with being loved, chosen and accepted by others.”
12. “I feel the need to please everybody I deem ‘of authority’ and thus have a hard time getting my needs met. I strive too hard for [a] perfection that doesn’t exist, and then eventually, melt down when too many things are not up to the standards held in my past.”
13. “I find myself always explaining my every move. I explain why I bought something, why I did what I did, etc. I feel like people think I’m lying to them, so I owe them a detailed explanation.5 Also feeling as though if I say ‘no’ to someone, they’ll hate me. So even if I’m inconveniencing myself, I’ll say ‘yes.’”
14. “I avoid asking help from anyone because I don’t trust anyone. I believe if someone offers me a hand, there will always be something they [want to] ask in return. I have friends but I don’t have a best friend. I keep my distance from people. Automatically, my wall blocks anyone.”
15. “[I have] attachment issues, trust issues [and am] paranoid that everyone will leave me. A lot of this is part of my BPD. My sudden divorce also contributed to these behaviors.”
16. “I’m overly shy around people and struggle [with] having a voice. [I believe] no one wants to hear anything I have to say.”
17. “[I] won’t let anyone see the ‘bad’ side of myself.”
18. “I constantly think I’m not good enough and I’m not smart enough. [I] was told [this] all my childhood… I’ve gone back to university to prove to myself that I am smart enough, but it’s always there in the back of my mind, like a poison, reminding me I’m not good enough, not smart enough.”
19. “My whole childhood was emotional abuse. It is extremely hard for me to accept I have people in my life who actually care about me. That’s the worst one. I am nothing to myself so why would I matter to others?”
20. “I have a hard time making eye contact with people. I look away a lot when I’m speaking. I get startled very easily and it takes me awhile to get my heart rate back to normal.”
21. “I have major issues with anxiety and depression because of my childhood. The biggest factor is I cannot communicate well and I don’t know how to express my feelings with others because I am so used to just holding them inside because I wasn’t allowed to share how I felt. When tense situations arise, I get nauseous and uncomfortable, [and] my anxiety levels sky rocket. Definitely have a lot of emotional scars from my past, it’s been the hardest thing to conquer.”
22. “I never, ever fight back. I may cut toxic people out of my life with the help of amazing friends and professionals, but whenever a conflict is actively going on that involves someone attacking my character… I completely shut down. I let whatever they want to say wash over me until they tire themselves out. That’s what I had to do when I was younger. It was so much worse to fight back. I learned to let them yell themselves out.”
23. “Blaming myself for everything. I have to fight the urge to beat myself up constantly. I’ve also struggled with feeling like I’m not good enough, which makes things like school, dating and applying to jobs really hard.”
24. “I don’t really know who I am or what I truly think. Virtually everything I say seems to me to be a lie I’ve just fabricated for that particular situation. I have real problems trying to identify what I’m feeling.”
25. “Several things, but the main one was lashing out on social media for years. Controversial and angry statuses, just due to the anger inside of me. I have texts I sent my friend where I described just how much I felt this unsettling anger in my chest. Emotional abuse from peers at school to family [can] really [mess] you up. I then finally found a therapist who could help me and I’ve come a long way.”
You can Use my Inner Peace Process to help you Clear Up any one of those Issues.
The INNER PEACE PROCESS - GIVE YOURSELF A SESSION Follow-Along Video.
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
I want you to listen to the beginning of this song...
...Or the whole thing, ...(It's a great anchor.)
Then I'll teach you my version of an old NLP Technique that I call "To the Left, To the Left" technique. Just think of Beyonce's song, so it's easy to remember.
Ok, so how does this relate to NLP? Moving memories to the Left gets them out of your way!
How does this work? Well, we know the eyes are connected to memories, (think eye-movement therapies, rem sleep, etc.) Actually the eyes are connected to how we store and retrieve memories.
Here's a demonstration: Think about your first day of school. Or the color of your first car. Or what your bathroom looks like and notice if your eyes move when accessing memories!
Looking to the Left is actually accessing the Right brain. That's where memories are stored, where facts are stored.
Looking to the Right is actually accessing the Left brain. That's where we look when we think about the future. The Left brain is where we create visions and use our imagination, intuition and creativity.
In classic NLP training they go even deeper than that into eye positions. They call is the VAK (visual/auditory/kinesthetic), system, which is all about where the eyes move when we're accessing memories, or beliefs.
They figured out that for V visual memories, when accessing images and pictures and movies, that we tend to look Up and to the Left. For A auditory, when accessing sounds, voices, things people said, things you say or hear to yourself, are Side and Left, think of your ear, for sound. For K kinesthetic, accessing gut feelings, where we feel things within, are Down and to the Left.
When we're stuck in a bad memory or old pattern, or limiting belief we created a long time ago, the VAK or the image, sound and feel of it is usually right in front of us all jumbled up.
Right in front of us is the present; what we're focused on now. So we definitely want to put this old belief that's keeping us stuck in its right place.
We do that by moving it to the Left.
We tune into the image of the memory or belief, seeing it with our mind's eye and we move it with our eyes. Like a tractor beam, we grab hold of that image with our eyes, and drag it over to the Left and Up with our physical eyes moving Left and Up, and we "put" it there.
Then we go back for the sounds and we grab them and move them to the Side to the Left with our eyes.
Same for gut feelings, literally tune into it, grab it, attack a tracker beam to it with your mind's eye and drag it down to the left and put it there.
Bring your eyes back center. Take a deep breath. Ahhh, that feels better, a little more clear-headed now.
Just that right there is an awesome power tool for what to do with various inner critic voices that come up during the day. It happens all the time. Now we know what to DO with them. If we keep moving them "to the left, to the left", on a regular, then you get clearer and clearer about your present.
You can focus on your present moment more without being dragged down by the past holding you back by crowding your present, right-in-front-of-you space. That space needs to be clear so you can focus on what you're working on in the here and now.
Moving old beliefs and memories to the Left, makes it easier for you to do what you really want to do in the present, and enjoy it more too. You get much more out of it personally and you'll be able to contribute more to your work and the people you serve when you feel more in tune with your present here and now.
It's a cool kind of "high" in itself when you can engage and zen-out in the present moment, mindfully doing things that are authentic for you.
But wait... there's more.
What about the Right side..... what are we to put there?
Visions of your goals, right? Wrong. Well, first we need to prime the future with your inner resources, then you can put our goals and visions to the Right.
First we need to get the soil ready for planting, so to speak, if we really want to do this right and grow our organic self.
Step 1: Write a list of your most favorite awesome memories and moments when you were so happy, ecstatic or full of joy or full of love or felt profound compassion or a moment of knowing and wisdom or a huge accomplishment. Get a good ten or more written down. I mean, good ones. I want you to read the sentence and not be able to stop smiling when you recall those wonderful moments when all was right with the world and all the stars lined up and it was like a gift and you thoroughly enjoyed it and felt empowered or pure joy or connected or just plain happy.
Step 2: Now that you got the "To the Left" technique, you start practicing moving things to the left. And then after that, bring your eyes back to center and read off one of your good memories. Picture it, feel it, smile reminiscing over it, and move that to the RIGHT.
Repeat over and over. You pull up these awesome memories and move them into your Future by moving them with your eyes To the Right.
You're taking memories (usually stored to the Left), and putting them - along with the STATE of mind you were in at the time, and the good FEELINGS you had at the time. Notice any self-esteem or confidence that goes with it, and move it all into your creative Right, future zone.
You take the V visual image of the good memory and grab hold of it with your eyes, and move it to the Right and Up.
You take the A audio of the good memory, grab it and move it with your physical eyes to the Right and to the Side.
You take the good feeling in your body from that moment and move it to the Right and Down.
Now you are clearing away old stuff in front of you and moving it back to your past (Left), storing it in it's rightful place in your memories. And, you are creating the vision-feeling-state to the Right, where your future goals are.
You are priming your future timeline with the best feeling-states so that the specific goals you want to create there, will have fertilized soil for it to take root and be welcomed. If you don't put your good memories to the Right your goals may be rejected from self-doubt and inner critic thoughts/feelings.
Take that self-doubt and move it to the Left, take a good memory and move it to the Right.
Got it?
So, you're homework assignment is to try it for yourself.
For the next week, every time old stuff comes up, move it "TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT". And, when that's done, read your good memories one by one and move them to the Right, one by one. Do this daily and you've now got 7x the power of your good memories in your creative-vision-future.
I can put a genuine happy moment to my Right and then also see something I want in my future to the Right along with it.
Here's how it works for me:
I get a thought in my head, "It's going to take forever to get my hours and become a therapist and no one's there to help me or egg me on". I feel sad and alone and overwhelmed.
I take the image of my aunt in my head saying, "you'll never make it" and I move it to the Left and Up. I take the sound of my head going "It's going to take forever..." and move it to the Side to the Left. I take the alone sad feeling I feel within and move it Down and to the Left.
The I look straight ahead and I tune into the Here and Now. Wherever I'm at at the time, I acknowledge where I'm at, feel my butt in the chair, look around the room and tune into present time.
THEN......and here's the good part, here's the part that actually makes me look forward to a bad memories/feelings/beliefs hitting me so I can do this technique.... I grab my 4 x 6 index card of my list of good memories, I read the first one, I bust out into a wide smile and I feel happy remembering that happy memory and how it lightened me up and how much fun I had that day, and I deliberately move that image to the Right and Up.
I listen for the sounds around me that day and hear my own laughter, and I move that to the Side to the Right. I tune into my body and feel that happy memory and I move that with my mind's eye, like a tracker beam, to the Right and Down.
I come back center and feel empowered and happy as I take a deep breath and focus on the here and now and what I'm working on. I let the 'future' go. I don't get into daydreaming all the details and the figuring out how to make my dreams come true. I just let it go, and I stay in the present with a secure feeling that the future will unfold as it should, knowing its got joy and happiness there programmed in waiting for me and that will help me with my goals when it's time to focus on them.
So that is the "To the Left, To the Left" (thank you Beyonce!), NLP technique for how to move limiting beliefs and stuck memories that are holding you back out of your way in the here and now. It also leads right into how to prime your near-future with good states and feelings by moving good memories and the feelings they contain To the Right.
I find the more present I am, the more my future goals become clear and when I see them, I also move them to the Right.
Try the "To the Left, To the Left" technique once a day for 7 days and let me know what you think.
You can find me here or on my other channels below. Feel free to share. Millions are suffering in silence, stuck, not knowing they can change and how to actually do it.
In a week from now I want you to look back and see how your week has been. Any better? Was this technique useful? Did it help you? Then go ahead and do it again but this time for 30 days!
Enjoy and share it forward.
=)
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain and Relationship Issues!
NLP Ninja training and sessions also available.
The Inner Peace Process - Give Yourself A Session | NLP Ninja
Here is an actual "session" of the Inner Peace Process that you can follow along with and clear up an issue. This is the exact way I facilitate the Inner Peace Process with clients. I ask you questions and pause so your inner mind can find the answers you need. If you need to pause longer at any point, just pause the video and then continue on with the next step.
Video: 15 minutes
===
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Video 6 continued The NLP Inner Peace Process Supplemental Talk on Authority |NLP Ninja
In this video I go further into the concept of "authority" that I touched on in Video 6 of 6 of The Inner Peace Process as a supplemental video.
===
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Video 6 The NLP Inner Peace Process for Adult Children of Abuse Explained | Video 6 of 6
In this set of 6 videos, I explain how the Inner Peace Process can clear up the issues from the article, "25 Things You Do as an Adult When You've Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse".
Each video goes into 5 of the things each, and each video builds on the one(s) before it, in explaining exactly what the Inner Peace Process is, and how it works.
At the end of this series I have another video with the Inner Peace Process method laid out so you too can experience it with me facilitating it on the video. Just bring an issue and listen and follow the directions, and notice the difference.
===
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Video 5 The NLP Inner Peace Process for Adult Children of Abuse Explained | Video 5 of 6
===
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Video 4 The NLP Inner Peace Process for Adult Children of Abuse Explained | Video 4 of 6
In this set of 6 videos, I explain how the Inner Peace Process can clear up the issues from the article, "25 Things You Do as an Adult When You've Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse".
Each video goes into 5 of the things each, and each video builds on the one(s) before it, in explaining exactly what the Inner Peace Process is, and how it works.
At the end of this series I have another video with the Inner Peace Process method laid out so you too can experience it with me facilitating it on the video. Just bring an issue and listen and follow the directions, and notice the difference.
===
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Video 3 The NLP Inner Peace Process for Adult Children of Abuse Explained | Video 3 of 6
In this set of 6 videos, I explain how the Inner Peace Process can clear up the issues from the article, "25 Things You Do as an Adult When You've Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse".
Each video goes into 5 of the things each, and each video builds on the one(s) before it, in explaining exactly what the Inner Peace Process is, and how it works.
At the end of this series I have another video with the Inner Peace Process method laid out so you too can experience it with me facilitating it on the video. Just bring an issue and listen and follow the directions, and notice the difference.
===
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Video 2 The NLP Inner Peace Process for Adult Children of Abuse Explained | Video 2 of 6
In this set of 6 videos, I explain how the Inner Peace Process can clear up the issues from the article, "25 Things You Do as an Adult When You've Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse".
Each video goes into 5 of the things each, and each video builds on the one(s) before it, in explaining exactly what the Inner Peace Process is, and how it works.
At the end of this series I have another video with the Inner Peace Process method laid out so you too can experience it with me facilitating it on the video. Just bring an issue and listen and follow the directions, and notice the difference.
===
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Video 1 The NLP Inner Peace Process for Adult Children of Abuse Explained | Video 1 of 6
In this set of 6 videos, I explain how the Inner Peace Process can clear up the issues from the article, "25 Things You Do as an Adult When You've Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse".
Each video goes into 5 of the things each, and each video builds on the one(s) before it, in explaining exactly what the Inner Peace Process is, and how it works.
At the end of this series I have another video with the Inner Peace Process method laid out so you too can experience it with me facilitating it on the video. Just bring an issue and listen and follow the directions, and notice the difference.
===
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
12 Survival Tips for Living with a Narcissist: Sometimes leaving a narcissist is not an option. A parent recognizes their adult child as narcissistic but desperately wants to maintain a basic relationship. A spouse is uninclined to leave their narcissistic partner for several reasons such as economic, commitment, or (dare I say) love. A child realizes their parent is a narcissist but is unwilling or unable to cut them out of their life. So how can a person learn to live with the selfishness, arrogance, superiority, and entitlement every day without losing their mind? How do they tolerate the narcissist using bullying to control, intimidation to convince, silence to avoid intimacy, anger rages to hide insecurities, and gifting to show love? It is possible and here are a few suggestions: Study them. None of the following tips will work unless a person is willing to step outside of the relationship and study the narcissist. This is essential for gaining more information, learning how to detach emotionally, and resetting old habitual
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.Thank you!JP Bailey, M.A.Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.comFB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileymaTwitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTappingKindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
One of my Hmong clients made me an awesome multi purpose bag. This woman can sew! Just perfect and so functional.
It's made like a square handbag, with handles, but another layer in has strings that you can pull which closes it. The strings are long enough to be wore backpack style.
And to make it even more twilight zone, her daughter is mean to her and my mom is mean to me, I need a mother and she needs a daughter to make bags for.
I honor the Hmong people and the Hmong story - the freedom lovers - and am grateful for them helping my dad when he was over in 'Nam. They helped save our American dad's.
And they survive the horrors of real war and have war PTSD, all these years still have it, just like some vets do, and I just happen to be a PTSD expert. I've been healing it, studying it, embracing it and helping people stuck in it and its the joy of my life to see the light come back on in their eyes. To see them come alive again.
And that's where the Recovery Model and WRAP come in... there's more to life and mental health and recovery then just getting unstuck from the symptoms, it's the perfect time to encourage their interests and engage in their daily life activities and to add into that the Wellness activities of which there are endless ideas for things to do. In other words, wellness is life plus some endorphin producing activities we love to do (sewing) that make life come alive again, in the simple things, the daily routines.
And that's what we did for this lady who made the bags. She made them to say thank you.
Wellness is chop wood carry water, but also color and paint, listen to favorite music, cook a meal with love that feels healthy to you, walking, yoga, animals, writing, helping others, hobbies, fishing, interests, nature, travel, there's just so much to do.
If there is little joy in your life, then focus on these types of activities and you will find joy in the midst of it and it is addictive and has a lingering affect. You just have a smile on your face and a skip in your step a little more. Or at least some relief from being stuck.
All the fatherless Vietnam Vet daughters who also don't have mothers in this American society is so hard to do. We need our mothers. Vietnamese and Hmong refugees are mothers now. Some are unhappy and miss out on mothering in their cultural way because their kids are Americanized and they are integrating into the Western culture, which they need to do to have good lives with good jobs and so forth. But maybe they are not respecting and appreciating the old country 'backwards' ways of their non-English speaking mothers.
That's ok. It's still great to be in America. And the whole thing is an adventure. Getting unstuck from PTSD opens up a million and one things to do in America.
Now you know they also have their depressed introvert family members and their narcissistic members and so on, so there is the dynamic there of being stuck (husbands chosen for them and married for life) with a spouse that may never once give an ounce of affection. Some of the children may be narcissistic and they are dealing with that devastating (narc abuse syndrome), on top of everything else.
War PTSD and narc abuse and would love to sew 6 amazing handbags to a few social workers that helped her out of her stuck place and gave her hope and encouraged her to do wellness things and she felt better.
She said, "No one ever helped me before but you". Meaning all these years since Viet Nam war no other social worker ever took the time to listen and know what to look for and know what helps.
Validation, support and encouragement are god sends to these folks. I was her American educated daughter helping her out. Today she was the mother I never had.. making me things with her own hands.
And by the way, her American daughter thinks she is stupid because she did not finish school and does nothing and knows nothing and yet this stupid woman has sewing skills that need to be passed down to motherless white, black and Mexican women who have narc moms and need a mom figure to be nice to her and teach her to sew.
A sewing circle if you will so many daughters can feel old school mother energy and many mothers can feel love by being a mother. Mothers love to cook for you and sew for you and that makes them feel good. I know, I love it too as a mother. And there's a lot of mothers who are missing because of drugs and mental health issues and abuse and jail and many things.
Daughters give by letting mothers give to them, and these daughters NEED motherly love.
I wish I could get them together. To match up their needs so they can have some good experiences. Of being loved. Cared about.
It might help fill up the missing wound hole in the hearts of all these women who have gone through trauma in war and at home.
Hmong people helped us in Viet Nam, where my father fought and today I am a counselor with Hmong clients. I never heard of them before. Now I know their story. they were called Freedom Lovers and they helped our men find their way through the mountains they called home. She was just a young girl then, and now she is a mother, What goes around, comes around.
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
EFT Tapping Into The 10 Stages of the Recovery Process
Stage 1: Exploration and Discovery (healing and grieving) As you move through the Tasks of Mourning, you will be able to Tap on each one that has any negative charge on it. This will greatly aid in moving it along and will make this stage much shorter and less painful.
Stage 2: Relationship History/Inventory (examine and reset boundaries). You'll clear any blocks in your way from defining or enforcing your private spaces and Tap into empowerment, confidence, calm and so forth, speaking to your heart's needs and resourceful state of mind. Tapping helps immensely with being honest with yourself.
Stage 3: Addiction Control (stages of change). Tapping can help you get a handle on your urges and cravings. Facing addictions means going through the stages of change: loss, grief and acceptance, and healing. You want a healthy, resourceful body for as long as you're alive. Be sure to use the Choices method to choose what you want to fill the void of stopping bad habits.
Stage 4: Leaving Home and Saying Goodbye (saying hello to your social life). Tapping helps the grief and pain of saying goodbye to old ways, and old people. Letting go of the old home, where you lived mentally, is much more than saying goodbye to your past and the people in it; it's about clearing the voices in your head you hear automatically when you think of those people. Tap into your longings for connection in ways that fit who and where you are now.
Stage 5: Grieving Your Loss (The 4 Tasks of Mourning). Tapping helps you get through the bottom of the curve and helps you then start going upward. Tap your way through the 4 tasks of mourning:
1. Accept the reality of a loss
2. Work through the pain of losing what you lost
3. Adjust to an environment in which the person or thing you lost is no longer there
4. Emotionally relocate the loss and move forward with integrating it into your life.
Stage 6: New Self-Perceptions (Inner Resources and Social Support). Tap into fresh or rekindled perspectives and perceptions about yourself and make new decisions. Re-invent yourself. Move into the next chapter. Keep it going with intentional goal setting, planning, routines and be rewarded with increased performance and creativity. Each time you clear up an issue, tap into your new, inspiring list statements and exciting goals you really want.
Stage 7: New Experiences (New Foundations). You will build a foundation of new experiences to bolster the decisions you've just made. Your plan writes out what it's like when you're living the life you want and what sorts of actions you take on a daily basis to stay engaged with your life. Taking these planned actions gives you an experience.
Increasing activities that made you feel good will give you new, needed, experiences and these in turn are like watering a thirsty plant rapidly grows more. Learn your lessons, clear any intensity of distress or resistance. Choose what you want from no on and move forward toward it. Those experiences are giving you a good feeling which is healing your brain which is why you start to think clearer. It may be a new experience to focus on you and not on others. After the experience of being on your own as an adult, you further leave home as nature intended for us to individuate and create our own life.
Stage 8: Re-parenting and Self-Management (Self-Care). You rebuild your past present and future in a sense as you become involved in what we call re-parenting and self-management. Recovery is about wellness and increasing your wellness on purpose, not just the absence of pain.
Loving yourself as you are and daily self-care to experience that, intentionally increasing experiences that make you feel good, valued, special, rested, entertained, important and loved. Tap on the Third Eye point while reading this, or make affirmations out of these self-care concepts and experiences. Tap into good parenting (loving and nurturing and protecting) yourself. It's a great experience we all must give to ourselves, we can't wait for the past or someone in it to give it to us. Tapping on deserving and permission helps a lot during this stage.
Stage 9: Self and Relationship Accountability (love your (inner) self). This is where love and wisdom come together. This is where you love your inner self as much as your outer body and environment. You will take on more responsibility and accountability. You've built the foundation for it. You will live by the principles and values that feel right to you while letting the rest go with faith in things working out in the big picture, and not worrying as much as before. If it's not in today, turn it over and focus on how you're spending your time and grow more responsible about how you spend it.
Stage 10: Wellness Maintenance Action Plan (Daily Progress). As a result of changes and paradigm shifts you've made on this journey, you've grown in love and wisdom, good and truth. You decide for yourself what is good and true for you. You keep an open mind and connect with something inner or higher. We have faith and we go about our daily lives, living out our meaningful roles we chose and try to do the right thing for all concerned, but never forgetting we're adults taking care of ourselves.
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
A couple months ago I came across a Success Log and what I liked about it was that the first question is:
1. What did I do well in the last 24 hours?
And the last question really grabbed my attention because it's not the question before it that asks "What is one thing I must do?" , it's the next question of what will you feel like if you have to "fight through" resistance to get that thing done? And what will you feel like if you don't?
And it reminded me at the end, that, no matter which I choose - to get something done and fight through the resistance or to lose the fight with resistance and procrastinate, both actions make the groove in your brain bigger.
I did not want to make my procrastination neuro pathway to get deeper or wider or longer. And we've seen these strings of ideas under the microscope. They have actually seen habits shrink when they aren't acted on anymore and new ones grow as they are acted on over time. It's amazing.
I want my mental groove or string of beliefs about having done an activity, got the experience of doing it, feeling good as a result, feeling proud I did it and satisfied knowing it's done.
I don't know, but something about all that put together really revved up my urge to move forward. This was a 'success log' I could live with, that actually helped me, rather than felt like a dream to do list that I could never achieve and wouldn't stick to.
But I have used the Success Log just about every day for a couple months now and I've gotten a lot done. I LOVE thinking about what I did well in the last 24 hours - rather than jumping right into what I need to do tomorrow or what thing I got to try and force my mind to adopt and memorize and push myself to do.
I get to reflect on what I did well yesterday and that just feels good. I need to be able to generate good feelings like that on a regular basis to continue healing and re-wiring my brain to have a deeper, longer groove for doing things I want to do in my life.
Recovering, well first suffering from, and then recovering from complex trauma, I really struggeled with being able to 'want' anything. I was on survival mode and wanting something or asking for soemthing I wanted wasn't in my programming.
I remember in my 30's asking for the first time and I was so nervous I could barely stand it. I didn't get it but I was heard.
The next time was in my 40's and I remember literally shaking at the time and sort of holding my breath and bracing myself. I was heard and I got what I wanted. I don't even remember what it was now, I just remember knowing and preparing for having to speak up and force myself to ask for what I wanted.
So it's been a huge block in my life to go for what I want, even though I have and I've gotten a lot of what I went for. It was like a determined drive to get it - but I got it all on my own, I didn't ask anyone for help. It just wasn't allowed and I knew I'd get a "no" anyway, so I tried to just hold it down and make it best I could and accomplish things I wanted in life.
Back to the success log.
So the first question is What did I do well in the last 24 hours.
Question 2: what's the one thing I wnt to improve in the next 24 hours?
Question 3: What's one thing I can do differently to help make the mentioned improvement?
Question 4: How did I do in the last 24 hours with my progress on a scale of 1 to 10?
Question 5: What's one thing I MUST do?
Then the rest are reminders: If I gotta fight through it, and face the discomfort and hardship? How will I feel if I win the fight-through? How will I feel if I lose it?
Rehearse your actions mentally. Find my brrier patterns. Do things to help decrease the barrier patterns. Train every day for what you ant. Doing or Procrastinating; both etch a groove in your mind.
There's a lot of new resaerch out ther about the magical effects of cultivating habits and getting passionate about daily routines that bring you closer to your goals.
For complex trauma survivors, there is an extra step needed; we have to learn how to re-frame the negative self-talk that comes up when we start acting toward what we want.
Luckily I know some fast healing and clearing tools like EFT and NLP to deal with the fight-through and the backlash of the inner critic.
I'm getting things done, but I also feel my confidence has increased. My sense of independent and free self has increased. My sense of self-pride and ambition has increased. And I know that no one is watching so who cares about others, this is about me focusing on me so I can move forward in life and not be stuck anymore from complex trauma issues holding me back.
Train every day for what you want....Practice these feelings/experiences:
Self-Care is not just about brushing your teeth and treating yourself to a bubble bath. It's about developing little habits and routines of wellness, or new life, of things that YOU WANT in it and about goals we want to achieve.
My Goal for June has been to do 1 exercise a day. I have 7 easy exercises I can do so I don't get bored. Also I've been doing a lot of cleaner eating, more veggies and fish and no dairy, bread or junk food.
My Monday through Friday routine is to read Calif Law & Ethics material daily. The goal is to pass that test.
My morning routine is making my energy drink in the mornings while I get ready for work.
I have about 5 books in various places, including both bathrooms, so that I read a page at a time but I get through a ton of books a year.
My driving routine is to say my prayers and practice smiling on my way to work.
My night time routine is journaling or coloring or organizing something.
I'm trying a new method of organizing my closet. Everything I wash goes to the front of the closet until I have all the clothes I actually wear right up front.
Recovery is not just about healing the past, it's about creating the future and the best way to do that is to work toward various goals in nano steps daily along the way.
Another recovery routine I write about in other posts is the Daily GRAPES routine.
My recovery routine is to read some note cards every morning that have reminders on them, affirmations and quotes I'm embracing right now.
I read a daily affirmation reader before I turn on my computer.
I read over questions that help me stay on track.
That's why I love a Success Log. Along with the questions above, I pick the top 3 things I need to get done and 1 thing that MUST get done so that I don't do anything else until I get that one thing done.
The secret to self-care is loving ourselves routines that get us loving ourselves so we build up more experiences of feeling loved. These experiences, and the feelings they invoke, are what heals us. They move us forward so we don't put our lives on hold. So that we have a better chance at creating some balance instead of doing it some hit or miss way.
I never liked schedules and rarely look at clocks, but daily routines help create a whole new life. After awhile it all starts to accumulate and gain momentum and creates experiences that give us much needed emotional responses of happiness and joy, contentment and a sense of accomplishment. They break down big dreams into small daily tasks and makes the fun of enjoying them in the here and now special too.
No more pressure to hurry up and catch up to "where I'm suppose to be before all this trauma happens. I'm doing my daily routines and creating fun and easy habits in the here and now.
One day at a time.
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
Please SHARE using Social Media Buttons Below. There's someone out there would will appreciate you for it.
Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Interested in EFT for Codependency Recovery?
Get Relief from Emotional Pain & Relationship Issues!
Blog: www.RecoveryTapping.blogspot.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/jp.baileyma
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoveryTapping
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"
