Friday, September 23, 2016

How to find a good (loving, kind) man (for once) for complex-trauma (toxic family) survivors who are tired of the selfish ones

How to find a good (loving, kind) man (for once) for complex-trauma (toxic family) survivors who are tired of the selfish ones.

From the time I can remember first dating, I was always dating guys who were dysfunctional, or drug addicts, or cheaters, or worse.

As time went on, despite the fact that I wanted a family, my “man-compass” and my “man-picker” was completely skewed.

It just got worse over time. As an adult in my 30’s I wasted a lot of time in relationships that left me feeling drained and exhausted.

They cheated, they used me, they blew my money, they partied and they didn’t work much.

One was abusive and one was stalker-like and one was just plain crazy.

By the time I was hitting my 40’s I was so DONE.

I really WANTED change, but I had no idea how to change or what to change. I didn’t know what I was doing to attract these guys, so I had no idea what to do to attract anything different.

Luckily, I had begun my recovery journey work on myself which led me to using EFT Tapping on all my upsets and issues and it became clear to me that it was now time to start Tapping on my relationship issues.

After a year of doing just that, I took my personal program of Tapping on Codependency and wrote a book called, “Emotional Freedom Techniques for Codependency Recovery”.

But I did something else too….

I did an extensive RELATIONSHIP HISTORY so I could find my patterns.

I really had no idea the wealth of information that would come out of a Relationship History until I did one.  I knew in a vague, general way that I had some sort of dysfunctional relationship pattern, but I was completely stumped on what they meant.

The Relationship History really showed me in black and white my patterns, my beliefs, and the red flags I should be paying more attention to.

I also learned 3 important things about myself that I really wasn’t aware of:

  1. I had a belief deep down that good guys wouldn’t like me
  2. I didn’t think I “deserved” a good guy despite the fact I had worked hard on myself to become not only a good person, but an educated, employed one who helped others.
  3. I thought only ‘bad boys’ would put up with my shortcomings.

Once I saw these beliefs and came to terms with them (accepted them), it was time to TAP on these beliefs so I could clear and replace them with updated, healthier, more accurate beliefs.

A self-inventory also helped me.  

I wrote down all my good characteristics. All of my strengths. All of my accomplishments. And, I wrote down all of the comments I heard from my friends and co-workers who liked me.

This was the foundation of my positive self-beliefs and EFT TAPPING was the method I used to clear the negative beliefs and program in my positive beliefs.

I was becoming more of the real me by doing this.

I was clearing away my past issues by doing this.

I was getting ready to date again, in a new way, with self-esteem and belief that I deserved and was worth a good man.

But I was not able to do that without a Relationship History so I would know what to watch out for.

I also had to do one more thing to get ready to date in a new way.

I needed to know what I really wanted in a man/relationship. So I wrote down a few lists I got out of a dating book:

  1. List what I want in a man/relationship
  2. List of things I never wanted to put up with again
  3. List of negotiables, things I could work with because no one is perfect

Then I dated without straying from my lists.  

My lists were like laws, if someone had any traits or behaviors from List 2, then they were out of my dating pool. No “if’s”, “and's” or “but’s”. They were refused any further dates and I moved on to the next date.

One reason why it's important to date several people at once over time is that you see you have options and it makes it easier to say “no” or “sorry, I’m not interested” to the ones who did not meet my List 1 traits.

So. to sum up, over a course of about 15 years, I had 3 serious relationships. All ended in 2 years or less. All ended with them cheating or being abusive. Two were ones where I literally had to move away to get away from. One gave me 6 stitches in my lip..

All of them left me with a mess to clean up, drained and exhausted.

I’d spend months and months alone in between trying to work on myself and get my life together.

But eventually I got lonely and desperate and would fall for the next (bad) one.

Like I said, after 15 years of this, I decided to try something different, so I did what I explained above.  Then I dated.

I can’t teach you how to date. But there are plenty of good dating books out there with awesome tips. I know, I read at least 3 of them and came up with what worked for me.

But none of it would be possible without that Relationship History.

I decided to create a sample Relationship History Chart for you to fill out so you can start to flesh out your patterns and red flags too.

I think it would have been impossible for me to change my deeply-ingrained beliefs if it were not for EFT Tapping to help me clear them up, fast.

So, here is how to find a good, loving, kind man for once if you are recovering from complex trauma or toxic family patterns and are sick and tired of the selfish, abusive ones:

  1. TAP on your issues and upsets so you have control over how you react and deal.
  2. Write a list of what you really want. (TAP on all negative self-talk that comes up when you look at what you want).
  3. Do a Relationship History.
  4. Do a self-inventory of your positive traits you have to offer.
  5. Write up your 3 Lists for dating.
  6. Date.

That’s it in a nutshell.

I did and 9 months of fun, happy dating later, I met my soulmate. We have been together for 8 years now. It’s never been abusive. We are both completely loyal. We both go to work every day and we are always there for each other. He’s my best friend and I really think he saved my life in more ways than one.

We’ve had our share of fights and it's not perfect, but we’re not perfect beings. Dealing with relationship issues is another story. Relationships, no matter how good, tend to bring up our own issues that still need work. So if you continue to catch these and work on yourself, and there is real love, then you’ll do alright.

Here is the: Video Training for the Relationship History Chart Example

Good Luck -N- Wise Choices


P.S. (Please share this, you never know who really needs this in their life right now and they’ll be happy you did.)

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Thank you!
JP Bailey, M.A.
Kindle Book: "EFT for Codependency"

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